Joke of the day - Page 5

Theres three sorts of birds.

Spit, swallow and Dove.

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"Nabisco has just made a public announcement about its Animal crackers and a possible recall.
They said to "Make sure the seals intact"

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Why are Pirates called Pirates?

Because they arrrh. (This is a kids joke, when you say 'arrrrrh' . Roll the r's like you are talking like a pirate)

A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this" said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Thats when I made my mistake." "What did you do?", asked the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, "Hey! This looks like yours".

So Fred had recently divorced his wife of 15 years and she was REALLY taking him to the cleaners & raking him over the coals. He needed to get away & decompress so he took a weekend & went to a quiet beach cottage where he could get his mind back in order. One morning as he was walking along the beach, he found a brass lamp. Not being a scrapper, his first thought wasn't to lament how yellow brass is down under a buck a pound, but rather how it would be nice if this lamp contained a genie. To Fred's surprise, he rubbed the side of the lamp and, indeed, a genie popped out.

The genie said, "I shall grant you three wishes, but choose carefully... for whatever you recieve, your ex-wife will recieve double!"

So, Fred scratched the recent stubbly growth on his chin & thought a minute, then said, " I want a 20,000 acre ranch, with 500 horses and 5,000 head of cattle."

The genie replied, "Done, but your ex-wife gets a 40,000 acre ranch, 1,000 horses, and 10,000 cattle!"

Fred said, "That's OK... for my second wish, I want one-hundred million dollars."

The genie said, "Done... but your ex-wife gets 200 million!"

Fred had a strangely serene smile on his face, knowing his ex-wife was going to get all that loot...

The genie asked, "What is your final wish?"

Fred calmly said, "Conjure up a baseball bat & beat me half to death with it."

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I was still lost…

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

1. The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

2. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

3. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.

"Did you know, that 25% of women in America are on some form of Mental health medication?

But it what's really scary, is the other 75% running around un-medicated!"

Wife never finds that one funny no matter how many time I tell it.....

What animals would you see in the background of an adult movie set on a farm?

Brown chicken, brown cow (say it to that classic seventies porn beat "bow-chica-bow-bow")

This one is really an in person, verbal joke but I'm sure you can figure it out.