Joke of the day

A young cowboy walks into the saloon ...

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chicken congee. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the congee back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

Last night the wife asked why I came home half drunk. Told her the bar ran out of whiskey. Wrong answer, imagine that.

Last joke I heard...It's a little long, and to be fair, I didn't catch it at first.

An orchestra is doing a traveling tour performing Beethoven's famous 9th symphony, and having friction along the way. Everyone seems to be fighting, and there is a lot of tension between the players of base instruments and management. So they come up with (an admittedly dumb) plan: They play in the opening minutes, and the grand finale, but they really just sit there for the middle hour of the concert. So, they're going to sneak out the back door, go to the bar down the street, and get a few quick drinks in. Then, they'll come back in time for the grand crescendo at the end. As insurance though, they tie pages in the conductor's book together, so that he can't turn to the last few pages while they are out - they don't want anyone to notice they are gone.

The plan is in place, and after the first few minutes, they slip out and make it to the bar. Unfortunately, they enjoy themselves a little too much, and find themselves quite drunk. They worry that they can play the instruments, but realize everyone will miss them if they aren't there for the ending. So, they stumble through the back door, and realize they're barely in time. The tempo keeps increasing, building to the grand finale. However, the conductor is really flustered and trying to conduct while fighting with the score. His face is very red, and his movements with the right hand more pronounced. There's something wrong, and the entire orchestra knows it. The string section is especially flustered with all of the commotion: and one violin player lets out a gasp, and two faint from all of the excitement.

Suddenly, the music stops. The audience is confused, except for the guy who got dragged away from the game by his wife to see the concert. All he can think is: It's the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied, two out, and the bases are loaded.

Originally Posted by foobar

Last joke I heard...It's a little long, and to be fair, I didn't catch it at first.

An orchestra is doing a traveling tour performing Beethoven's famous 9th symphony, and having friction along the way. Everyone seems to be fighting, and there is a lot of tension between the players of base instruments and management. So they come up with (an admittedly dumb) plan: They play in the opening minutes, and the grand finale, but they really just sit there for the middle hour of the concert. So, they're going to sneak out the back door, go to the bar down the street, and get a few quick drinks in. Then, they'll come back in time for the grand crescendo at the end. As insurance though, they tie pages in the conductor's book together, so that he can't turn to the last few pages while they are out - they don't want anyone to notice they are gone.

The plan is in place, and after the first few minutes, they slip out and make it to the bar. Unfortunately, they enjoy themselves a little too much, and find themselves quite drunk. They worry that they can play the instruments, but realize everyone will miss them if they aren't there for the ending. So, they stumble through the back door, and realize they're barely in time. The tempo keeps increasing, building to the grand finale. However, the conductor is really flustered and trying to conduct while fighting with the score. His face is very red, and his movements with the right hand more pronounced. There's something wrong, and the entire orchestra knows it. The string section is especially flustered with all of the commotion: and one violin player lets out a gasp, and two faint from all of the excitement.

Suddenly, the music stops. The audience is confused, except for the guy who got dragged away from the game by his wife to see the concert. All he can think is: It's the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied, two out, and the bases are loaded.

I caught the first time through, have to be a baseball fan to know it lol.

Limerick Style

Said he at the scrap yard quite rude,
"A gal just can't work like a dude."

But loading a truck,
He couldn't keep up.

Now he's got a New Attitude!!

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "$100 and it's yours."

Have a joke about metal. Changed my mind, just scrap that.

Not mine, found it on the internet. It was the only one that was family friendly.