A Collection of Jokes- Mostly Quick Ones

Here is a collection of jokes, mostly one-liners, funny quotes, etc. Please feel free to add any other random funny stuff to the thread. I apologize if any of these have already been posted on this site...


I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady told me to check her balance so I pushed her over.

Why didn't the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He never helps you?" she asked.

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

Never criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile away and you will have their shoes!

What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me something smells.

I used to hate facial hair. But then it just kinda grew on me.

I have an addiction to cheddar cheese. But it's only mild.

What did the mayo say when someone opened the refrigerator? Close the door. I'm dressing.

I told my physician I broke my arm in two places. He said to stop going to those places.

"I stand corrected", said the man in the orthopedic shoes.



What do you call a psychic little person who has escaped prison? A small medium at large.

I think it would be a good idea. (Mahatma Ghandi, when asked about his thoughts on "western civilization")

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap. (Dolly Parton)

I don't approve of political jokes. I have seen too many of them get elected. (Jon Stewart)

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. (Mark Twain)

Little Tommy and his family were having Sunday dinner at Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Tommy received his plate, he started eating right away. "Tommy! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do" his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house." Tommy explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

And God said to John, "Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life." But he came fifth so he won a toaster.

My girlfriend told me I'm terrible in bed. I don't think it's fair to make a judgment like that in less than a minute.

What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

Did you hear about the two theives who stole a calendar? They each got six months.


What did the buffalo say when his son left? Bison.

"About half." (what he said when the pope was asked how many people work at the Vatican)

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? Because it is pointless!