Joke of the day

A young cowboy walks into the saloon ...

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chicken congee. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the congee back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

Last night the wife asked why I came home half drunk. Told her the bar ran out of whiskey. Wrong answer, imagine that.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down the front of his pants.

Bartender says “hey, buddy, did you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?”

Pirate says “Yarrrrrr it’s driving me nuts!”

Parallel lines have so much in common, it's a shame the will never meet.

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e1...noyoudidnt.gif

Last joke I heard...It's a little long, and to be fair, I didn't catch it at first.

An orchestra is doing a traveling tour performing Beethoven's famous 9th symphony, and having friction along the way. Everyone seems to be fighting, and there is a lot of tension between the players of base instruments and management. So they come up with (an admittedly dumb) plan: They play in the opening minutes, and the grand finale, but they really just sit there for the middle hour of the concert. So, they're going to sneak out the back door, go to the bar down the street, and get a few quick drinks in. Then, they'll come back in time for the grand crescendo at the end. As insurance though, they tie pages in the conductor's book together, so that he can't turn to the last few pages while they are out - they don't want anyone to notice they are gone.

The plan is in place, and after the first few minutes, they slip out and make it to the bar. Unfortunately, they enjoy themselves a little too much, and find themselves quite drunk. They worry that they can play the instruments, but realize everyone will miss them if they aren't there for the ending. So, they stumble through the back door, and realize they're barely in time. The tempo keeps increasing, building to the grand finale. However, the conductor is really flustered and trying to conduct while fighting with the score. His face is very red, and his movements with the right hand more pronounced. There's something wrong, and the entire orchestra knows it. The string section is especially flustered with all of the commotion: and one violin player lets out a gasp, and two faint from all of the excitement.

Suddenly, the music stops. The audience is confused, except for the guy who got dragged away from the game by his wife to see the concert. All he can think is: It's the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied, two out, and the bases are loaded.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by foobar

Last joke I heard...It's a little long, and to be fair, I didn't catch it at first.

An orchestra is doing a traveling tour performing Beethoven's famous 9th symphony, and having friction along the way. Everyone seems to be fighting, and there is a lot of tension between the players of base instruments and management. So they come up with (an admittedly dumb) plan: They play in the opening minutes, and the grand finale, but they really just sit there for the middle hour of the concert. So, they're going to sneak out the back door, go to the bar down the street, and get a few quick drinks in. Then, they'll come back in time for the grand crescendo at the end. As insurance though, they tie pages in the conductor's book together, so that he can't turn to the last few pages while they are out - they don't want anyone to notice they are gone.

The plan is in place, and after the first few minutes, they slip out and make it to the bar. Unfortunately, they enjoy themselves a little too much, and find themselves quite drunk. They worry that they can play the instruments, but realize everyone will miss them if they aren't there for the ending. So, they stumble through the back door, and realize they're barely in time. The tempo keeps increasing, building to the grand finale. However, the conductor is really flustered and trying to conduct while fighting with the score. His face is very red, and his movements with the right hand more pronounced. There's something wrong, and the entire orchestra knows it. The string section is especially flustered with all of the commotion: and one violin player lets out a gasp, and two faint from all of the excitement.

Suddenly, the music stops. The audience is confused, except for the guy who got dragged away from the game by his wife to see the concert. All he can think is: It's the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied, two out, and the bases are loaded.

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I caught the first time through, have to be a baseball fan to know it lol.

Limerick Style

Said he at the scrap yard quite rude,
"A gal just can't work like a dude."

But loading a truck,
He couldn't keep up.

Now he's got a New Attitude!!

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "$100 and it's yours."

Have a joke about metal. Changed my mind, just scrap that.

Not mine, found it on the internet. It was the only one that was family friendly.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

I got fired today. My boss told me to leave my problems at the door....I asked him to stand outside.

This one may not last long on here...

Have you all played the Mike Brown Drinking Game??? Last one standing after taking 8 shots wins.

I went to see Santa today

Santa- What would you like for Christmas?
Me- A dragon
Santa- Be realistic
Me- OK, a girlfriend
Santa- What color would you like your dragon?

Grammar is very important. I'm sure most of us have heard about uncle Jack and his horse.

Technology for Country Folks :D

1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.

2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.

4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.

5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.

6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.

7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.

8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.

9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.

10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.

11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.

12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.

13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.

14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.

15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.

16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.

17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.

18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.

19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.

20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.

21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.

22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine.

23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"

24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya
paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.

25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
:)):lol::))

An Asian guy was trying to Sell his copper and
asked the scale man:

"Why it change, yestoday I get two dollar fo copper
today I get a won eighty?"

The scale man says says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

* The Light Turned Yellow *

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the"Choose Life" license plate holder, the "Follow Me to Sunday-School" bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....

I assumed you had stolen the car."

If you are a senior you will understand this one,
If you deal with seniors,
This should help you understand them a little better,
And if you are not a senior yet........
God willing, someday you will be......

The £2.99 Special


We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special'
Was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for £2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said.
'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you £3.49
Because you're ordering a la carte,'
The waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay
For not taking the eggs?'
My wife asked incredulously.

'YES!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,'
My wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?'
The waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!

WE'VE been around the block more than once!

Plumber crack