Tools Explained!

This maybe should have gone in the Off Topic section But Hey...

Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.And of course used to make big things small! And don't forget the creation of numerous burns and blisters on your arms hands and other body parts

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Love it!

Am I the only one who was picturing their exact incident(s) as they read this? I think I have a personal story for pretty much every one. My personal favs were the drill press and the hydraulic jack. My first experience with a drill press resulted in the piece of metal being ripped from my hands and promptly making its way up the drill bit until it hit the top and began to screech the most awful tune you can imagine while I fumbled to turn it off. With the jack; the exact same thing has happened too many times to count. Either it loses pressure and wedges itself under something or it slams everything down way quicker than expected. My personal fav is when you've got the car up on a jack stand and then magically when you go to take it off the jack stand, the jack now doesn't have enough reach to raise the vehicle up off the stand. How the hell does that happen?

I was unaware that my entire life story could be explained by describing tools

I got a stupid funny story. My buddy and I were trying to get the copper out of a transformer that came out of a microwave. We used a come along a cheap little ratchet strap and the base ment floor Joyce and the metal toilet poop stationary in the ground. Long funny story short never got the copper out and the ratchet strap broke no one got hurt luckily

You forgot one.

Biggerhammer. Used when all else fails to help in the dismantleing of a scrap item. To use this is also referred as "to Chumsky it" As previously used by whatever forum member. Sorry I forgot who started that.

Was I the only one having flashbacks of the old show "Home Improvement"?

thank you for causeing me to coffee stain yet another white T-shirt (think that was my last one too) nearly died choking on my coffee as each incident unfolded in my mind.

you forgot the alternate use of the flat tipped screw driver! thats the key for my truck!!

Found this old thread...thought it was pretty funny.

OP forgot the "Flashlight" a tool used to store dead batteries